Being Vulnerable + Releasing Fear // Arches National Park Moab, Utah
Skydiving: the symbolic release of everything hold me back.
It seems as though it was just yesterday I was skydiving in Moab, Utah yet it feels like another lifetime at the same time. The act of was a spiritual release of all that had been holding me back, letting go of expectations, and touching ground with a fresh start. Not a person in the world knew I had the thought of free falling 10,000 feet back down to Earth before I set off on my 25-day road trip. I made certain no one knew that I was going to jump prior to doing it. Other than calling my dad when I landed, I kept it a secret until I returned home over a week later. It seems to be a running trend that the most profound experiences I plan are kept confidential until afterwards, and some forever buried inside. For over two months I had prepared for this intense moment at Skydive Moab, and it far exceeded any thought I could shape. For the first time in my life, I had absolutely no expectations of what was about to happen. One of the many things I carry with me from this experience is the idea of just letting go and allowing things to flow.
The night before jumping I found a pull off in Arches National Park to sleep. I decided to wake up at 3:00 AM and capture the mystical sky revolving around the northern star with Balanced Rock standing tall in the foreground. I stood alone in the dark and cold night knowing I had to be at the airport in five hours and scared to death. Certain some of the fright came from being outside in the middle of the night and clueless at what was around me [could not use the flashlight because of the star trail photo I was taking], but I was about to jump out of a plane very soon.
- Vulnerability -
Although it is most certainly terrifying to be vulnerable at times, it seems to be a necessary step to feel deeply and truly connect. I have discovered over the past few months that I was not as accepting to the idea of vulnerability as I thought I was a year ago. After facing personal issues late 2016, I also realized that I had not fully released expectations of outcomes either. I had not learned to love all of me: the good and the bad, the light and the dark. I had certainly grew fond of the shining and adventurous spirit I have thinking that was enough to be fulfilled, but I fell short when it came to the less grand attributes. The wounded girl who clung to attachments with a death grip.
- Meditation -
I began a meditation regimen after my last relationship ended and let go the expectations of what I would gain from the ritual. What I began to see within - the lies I would attempt to tell myself, the pain, the emptiness - led me to a rude awakening. At times I cried and screamed hysterically and others I laughed until I was floating, but in all of it, I discovered truth. I started opening the locked gates within and faced my darkness. I slowly learned to accept all of me without fear of what I have buried for so long. I found pure enlightenment. Darkness cannot hide when acknowledged. I choose to feel all emotions that rise, allow them to pass through every cell, and then graciously release. The more vulnerable I consciously choose to be, the deeper I allow myself to feel genuine emotions and the greater my authenticity shines.
Life is a journey of experiences that have the power to change for better or worse, but it is nevertheless ever-changing [insert John Mayer lyrics: "give your heart then change your mind, you're allowed to do it"]. Through my journey I vow to remember to be kind and patient with myself and love myself as constant as the North Star.
MY HEART BELONGS TO THE MOUNTAINS, AND MY SOUL LIVES IN THE CANYONS.
I stepped out on the ledge and took a glimpse of the snowy mountains in the distance. With eyes wide open, I fell back to the canyons. After landing, the instructor asked what my favorite part was and what was the scariest part. It is funny that the both answers were the same: coming out of the plane.
More skydiving photos and the incredible video on post Welcome Back To Earth Beautiful Spirit.
Because synchronicity is fun… Just minutes before I was scheduled to be at Canyonlands Field, I made a quick pit stop at a wannabe gas station with just a single porta potty because my bladder was a bit nervous. As I walk into the store to browse for a quick moment (and found my Moab coffee mug!), I realized the song playing over the speakers - Free Fallin' - and of course it was John Mayer's cover version because that is how my life works. I knew this was a sign that all is well, and I busted through the doors and owned this craziness that was about to go down.